Only have time for a quick update today, but it’s a doozy. My meeting with the Orthopoedic Oncologist yesterday revealed two things:
- The “hot spots” in my legs are not active cancers, but substantial bone damage from the original cancer.
- Before we can continue, I need an immediate “partial replacement” of my left hip joint.
These doctors move fast, so that surgery is scheduled for about two hours from now. I’ll be in-patient the rest of the week recovering, but I’ll have my laptop and superwife so I’ll almost certainly have a better week than any of you.
I know you have questions, so I’ll answer two that I’m just gonna make up right now. Yes, you in the plaid?
Q. Hi, I’m a real idiot. What is a partial hip replacement?
A. Hi, friend. There are no idiots, only terrible school systems that have been abandoned by those in power and given no path to succeed due the collapse of the middle class and unionized labor.
What was your question? Oh, right, that dumb thing where you can’t read. Well, buddy, take a good look at this picture:
Now you know what I know, which is that the plan is apparently to replace my bones with something suspiciously resembling a marital aid (or “shower massager” for the conservative men out there).
Was there another made up question?
Q. But Ed, you are my sunshine. With you out of commission, who will make us laugh? Who will bring us joy? Where will the sun go?
A. Oh, you poor poor fool. There are other heroes in the world. While it’s true that I am as close to a perfect golden demigod as man has yet produced, clearly some of the people below are able to bring you some happiness. Just look at their well thought out public relations campaigns!
Here we have the friendly Aquaman, being “Fair.” How is being fair? Well, clearly little Braden here has damaged the turtles ecosystem. In return, these majestic reptiles have gotten baked out of their minds and are prepared to eat this small boy. That’s underwater justice.
And you can’t forget Batman, being all “Trustworthy.” As we all know, nothing says “Trust me!” like an anonymous middle-aged man putting on a mask and flying away with inner city children. He’s an example for us all, especially the serial killers and pedophiles.
And finally, we have The Flash, doing a good deed that couldn’t possibly be misconstrued. There’s no way anyone could look at this well thought out picture and see something like, oh, I don’t know, a symbol of white authority with power beyond those of his fellow citizens using that power to take an underprivileged and likely uninsured child of a historically oppressed people, and removing him from private healthcare property at super speed!
Wait… did he electrify that kid’s wheelchair? The hell? You’re a real jerk, Flash.